Practical Matters

Something about the being on a plane makes me wish to write. Maybe it’s the elevation. Maybe it’s the boredom of sitting in one place for multiple hours. Probably both. So, as I sit here on a flight to San Francisco, my mind ruminates over various aspects life and my itchy fingers find solace in key strokes.

What’s foremost on my mind is a topic I’ve been loath to write about because it’ll read like a journal entry than a blog post and I wish I could rise above it. But since my thoughts continually return to this subject, I figured I might as well own up to it and see if any clarity comes in the process.

I’ve been seeing a new guy. We met recently and have only had a handful of dates but there’s a connection there. Issue the first: He’s currently separated and is in the process of filing papers for the divorce. It’s an uncontested one, but he’s been with this woman for eleven years, seven of which they’ve been married. That’s a long time to be with someone. The reason for the divorce, he says, ultimately comes down to her not wanting kids and he very much so. I sense there are other issues there…she is quite a bit younger than he, still wants to live the exciting world-traveling life they had grown accustomed to, and possibly financial concerns (but more on that, later). I’ve never dated someone who has been divorced, much less still technically married. I’m also of the conviction that people need time between relationships to heal their hearts, restore their energy and just generally separate themselves from the person they were once with. I don’t feel like six months is long enough to do this. I voiced this to him and he understood. So, at this point we are “just friends.” I may have shot myself in the foot with that one because how can I continue to grow closer to this person with no idea how our romantic chemistry will be? I hate to say this, but were I still in my 20s, this would be less of an issue. These days, I feel like I ought to be a little more focused on a relationship. Or maybe that’s just my parents talking.

Which brings me to issue the second. This man is an artist. He was a teacher for many years and fairly recently gave it up to follow his passion for painting. He paints with oils and his art is lovely, but it isn’t exactly the steadies of incomes, at best.  Is it too much to think this put some strain on his marriage? I don’t believe so.  Now, both my relationships were with men who made less than me. One was unemployed for most of our relationship. But even then, there was this thought of financial stability in our future, should there have been a future. They would advance in their careers and live a dual income existence. The pressure for me to work the long, hard hours that I do would lessen and I could breathe. But here I am, contemplating a man who is entering into a future of instability and who wants to raise kids with his wife as the primary bread winner. Very modern, but here is where I feel I look bad. I’m not sure I want to be the primary bread winner. I’m not sure I wouldn’t feel resentful when times were stressful. I’m not sure I could handle my family’s expenses on my own shoulders. He’s never had to worry about money as he’s had a steady teaching job until recently, lived frugally and can sustain his own existence. Yet, should he have a family, he would very much be counting on his wife’s income. I wish I could get behind that. I really do. But I haven’t been able to.

I had to grow up at a very young age and I’ve always secretly yearned to lean on someone. To have some be able to take care of me. I know there are other ways than financial, but financial stress is the hardest for me to bear. And there is a little part of me that would love to be a stay-at-home mom for awhile. How horribly old fashioned am I?

I know I’m jumping way down the line with a man I’m only just “friends” with. Yet, there is this undeniable connection and we’ve mused about the future. He talks of taking trips together, meeting his family and even of kids. And though with another this might scare me away, I find myself indulging these notions. Which smacks me right into the reality of my issues.  

I’d love to just fall into love here and not give the future any thought, but that’s my usual way in relationships and they don’t lead to very sustainable ones. I have to think of the future and my future involves helping to take care of a brother who can’t take care of himself in addition to a family of my own.

I realize as I finish up here, I haven’t written about all the traits I admire in this man. Perhaps another day I can do that justice. I hesitate to post this. It’s long, it’s rambling, but it’s real and one rule I have with this blog is to write from my heart. So here it is.