Time Well Spent

So the idea of balance continues to come up. Today one of my friends commented that she felt like she’s wasted several years of her life because she’s not in a relationship. I pointed out that in those past several years she’s completely changed careers. She quit her job in advertising to get trained as a yoga instructor. She has built up her credentials and is not only teaching kids yoga but is goes around the country training other instructors how to teach specialized yoga classes. She also suffered a major and complicated illness which took a long time to properly diagnose and which she eventually had to have surgery for. Her life hasn’t been idle. 

But, I know what she means.

We only have so much time in our lives. I, for one, tend to get excessive in some areas of my life and leave other areas neglected altogether until the scream for attention. I’ll lose myself in work completely until I am having dreams of about my coworkers turning into vampires. I’ll sign up for multiple online dating sites and have to keep a spreadsheet to get names and details right. Or I’ll huddle down in my Bat Cave until friends start calling me Snuffleupagas. It’s a problem.

Right now I’m filling my calendar with too much. I’m going to fitness classes, taking Tamil 

lessons and going out with friends. All of these are great. Except, I have no “free” time.  For example, today a guy I met a couple of weeks ago discussed getting together, last week. But I literally didn’t have a single free night until maybe the second week in October, if something falls through. You could get some doctor’s appointments easier than a date with me. 

Here’s the problem. I am not leaving room for new opportunities to enter my life. It takes more energy for me to meet new people than hanging out with those I care for. I haven’t been giving to myself and spending enough time restoring my energy to do this. Nor have I truly been connecting with people when I spend time with them because I have little to give.  And then I wonder why I’ve been feeling so lonely.

So, maybe the whole feng shui/if-you-build-it-they-will-come approach is needed. Leaving gaps in my schedule for new opportunities. Or some much needed quality Me Time. 

Almost Single

I had another date tonight. Nice guy. Tall, funny, solid guy. And married. He, like the other one I was dating, is still technically married though in the process of getting a divorce. However, this one has a ten month old daughter and is still living with his wife until they can sell the house. It’s a long story, and I believe him that they are getting divorced. But I was a little incredulous that someone who just made this decision in September almost immediately started dating. 

I’ve had two long term relationships and have taken breaks between each. I needed that time to get right with myself and reflect on who I was coming out of this relationship. I also needed time to let my emotions settle. Allow the relationship’s residue and the deep connection I felt to ebb away with time. Not to say that I was a hermit. I went out with friends and with guys, but I wasn’t looking to fill the void. That wouldn’t be fair.

I know guys are different and I know better than to judge but I have to laugh that I’ve met two guys in very similar predicaments within a month of each other, not to mention the other handful of inappropriate gentleman that have been cropping up. I certainly haven’t been looking for semi-available guys. Again, it makes me wonder what I’m putting out into the universe that this gets delivered to my door. I have to believe that if I can attract this, then I can also attract available, wonderful, attractive, solid, men who I have great chemistry with. Or even just one man.

This guy and I talked a lot and I think we’ll hang out again. But as friends. He needs one and I can never have enough cool people in my life.

Static Cling

I was talking to a friend recently about what it is that we attract. She had been going through a particularly trying time and was in a negative headspace. Everything she touched seemed to go awry and as is often the case, trouble begets trouble. She said, quite rightly, she needed to get herself out of the downward spiral by focusing on what she wanted from life. That if she could attract so much of the bad with her thinking then surely the same must be possible with the good.  Smart girl.

I think the Law of Attraction gets a little too thrown about for my liking, but there definitely is something to it. Though I’m not sure what mindset I’m in that brings in the series of bizarre that I’ve been experiencing. 

For example, for the past six months, I’ve been focusing on meeting the right guy. Not that this hasn’t always been something I’ve desired, but I’ve done a lot of internal work on what it is I want and need and throwing it out into the universe. I’ve been taking chances and being open to new experiences I otherwise might have avoided. All good things and I’ve met a lot of good men. Maybe not the right ones, but good ones. But I’ve also been attracting something else. No, someONEs else. Men from my past.

My first love is now married but apparently believes himself to still be in love with me when he’s drunk…which since he got married in January, has been frequently. There is a guy who I had a “thing” with who now has a baby and a live in girlfriend but texts me to tell me he thinks of me a lot. Another man I used to work with texted me in November to tell me he’s out of a relationship and, in a decidedly flirty way asked if I ever make it to Minnesota or if he could visit me in DC sometime. An acquaintance of mine in New York confessed his feelings for me before I left for my trip to India in December. And just last night, another guy I used to work with told me on the car ride back to my hotel that he still had feelings for me. Despite the fact I haven’t seen him in two years and he lives in San Francisco. A capper to an otherwise completely platonic evening. 

Dear universe. I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me, but you are a fickle, funny wench.

Practical Matters

Something about the being on a plane makes me wish to write. Maybe it’s the elevation. Maybe it’s the boredom of sitting in one place for multiple hours. Probably both. So, as I sit here on a flight to San Francisco, my mind ruminates over various aspects life and my itchy fingers find solace in key strokes.

What’s foremost on my mind is a topic I’ve been loath to write about because it’ll read like a journal entry than a blog post and I wish I could rise above it. But since my thoughts continually return to this subject, I figured I might as well own up to it and see if any clarity comes in the process.

I’ve been seeing a new guy. We met recently and have only had a handful of dates but there’s a connection there. Issue the first: He’s currently separated and is in the process of filing papers for the divorce. It’s an uncontested one, but he’s been with this woman for eleven years, seven of which they’ve been married. That’s a long time to be with someone. The reason for the divorce, he says, ultimately comes down to her not wanting kids and he very much so. I sense there are other issues there…she is quite a bit younger than he, still wants to live the exciting world-traveling life they had grown accustomed to, and possibly financial concerns (but more on that, later). I’ve never dated someone who has been divorced, much less still technically married. I’m also of the conviction that people need time between relationships to heal their hearts, restore their energy and just generally separate themselves from the person they were once with. I don’t feel like six months is long enough to do this. I voiced this to him and he understood. So, at this point we are “just friends.” I may have shot myself in the foot with that one because how can I continue to grow closer to this person with no idea how our romantic chemistry will be? I hate to say this, but were I still in my 20s, this would be less of an issue. These days, I feel like I ought to be a little more focused on a relationship. Or maybe that’s just my parents talking.

Which brings me to issue the second. This man is an artist. He was a teacher for many years and fairly recently gave it up to follow his passion for painting. He paints with oils and his art is lovely, but it isn’t exactly the steadies of incomes, at best.  Is it too much to think this put some strain on his marriage? I don’t believe so.  Now, both my relationships were with men who made less than me. One was unemployed for most of our relationship. But even then, there was this thought of financial stability in our future, should there have been a future. They would advance in their careers and live a dual income existence. The pressure for me to work the long, hard hours that I do would lessen and I could breathe. But here I am, contemplating a man who is entering into a future of instability and who wants to raise kids with his wife as the primary bread winner. Very modern, but here is where I feel I look bad. I’m not sure I want to be the primary bread winner. I’m not sure I wouldn’t feel resentful when times were stressful. I’m not sure I could handle my family’s expenses on my own shoulders. He’s never had to worry about money as he’s had a steady teaching job until recently, lived frugally and can sustain his own existence. Yet, should he have a family, he would very much be counting on his wife’s income. I wish I could get behind that. I really do. But I haven’t been able to.

I had to grow up at a very young age and I’ve always secretly yearned to lean on someone. To have some be able to take care of me. I know there are other ways than financial, but financial stress is the hardest for me to bear. And there is a little part of me that would love to be a stay-at-home mom for awhile. How horribly old fashioned am I?

I know I’m jumping way down the line with a man I’m only just “friends” with. Yet, there is this undeniable connection and we’ve mused about the future. He talks of taking trips together, meeting his family and even of kids. And though with another this might scare me away, I find myself indulging these notions. Which smacks me right into the reality of my issues.  

I’d love to just fall into love here and not give the future any thought, but that’s my usual way in relationships and they don’t lead to very sustainable ones. I have to think of the future and my future involves helping to take care of a brother who can’t take care of himself in addition to a family of my own.

I realize as I finish up here, I haven’t written about all the traits I admire in this man. Perhaps another day I can do that justice. I hesitate to post this. It’s long, it’s rambling, but it’s real and one rule I have with this blog is to write from my heart. So here it is.

Let's Connect

Late this past week, I was in a nobody-loves-me state of mind. I had a lot of social goings on during the week, but still felt neglected. This all culminated into a deep funk on Friday. A boy I had a date with earlier in the week hadn’t contacted me, a friend had impulsively invited me to a group dinner then realized she had spoken too soon, I tried to get to a happy hour I was invited to and was thwarted by massive traffic, and a couple of my close friends were out of town. I was blue. I knew I was loved and had great friends, but it didn’t feel that way. As often happens, my mind went down the rabbit path to getting older, being single and growing more and more alone until I was completely forgotten. The end.

Saturday morning, I went to yoga. I was a little sulky, but knew it would make me feel better. Sure enough, as I moved through my asanas, a forgotten lesson resurfaced. 

It wasn’t what I was getting, but what I was giving. Over the past week, I had been physically going out with people and spending time. I was expending energy on this, but I wasn’t feeling anything back. It was like eating candy. I was getting the sugar, but not the nutrition needed to sustain me. Not because it wasn’t there, but because I wasn’t investing. I wasn’t truly connecting. I was there in body and mind, but I left my heart at home. And because it was at home, it wasn’t getting fed. So by Friday, it was starving.

After yoga, I spent some time talking with a couple of wonderful women who practice with me and I could feel my energy shift. We didn’t talk of anything profound, but it was healing. I could feel their nourishment because I was giving to them from a deeper place. I was present with them. Saturday night, I went to a party. This can be a little stressful for me. I appear to be very social and extroverted, but I can get rather overwhelmed and be self-critical. But, I had a wonderful time. When I felt myself wander, I was mindful to bring myself back to being there and connecting. 

I’ve noticed that when my mindset changes, so do my circumstances. My friends told me they missed me, the boy called and I’ve been collecting hugs. Even had this not been the case, my heart is content.

Elusive Carrot

I lose a lot of things between the seat and the middle console in my car. I’ll drop a pen and see it stuck there, just out of reach. When I cram my fingers into the gap, they will just graze the object…not enough to actually grasp it. Invariably enough, when I stick my hand down further, I just end up pushing it down further and it eludes me completely. Maddening. 

 

I’ve noticed this tendency in other, more significant, areas in life, as well. Couples having issues conceiving often can’t think of anything but. They see pregnant women or babies and get sad. They pressure themselves and consider various options to get their desired outcome. Yet it remains unattainable. Many of these couples will adopt a child and many of them will suddenly then get pregnant once their desperation has ebbed. Similar incidences have happened with careers, house hunting, relationships and even weight loss.

It’s the energy we bring to situations and life that makes a difference. I could assess every social situation relative on my likelihood to meet a guy. The greater the chance, the more I’d consider attending. The energy I’m bringing is that of desperation to meet The One and, more likely than not, I’ll be disappointed at the end of the night if I didn’t meet someone with whom there was a connection. And if I did meet someone, there is immense pressure to hear from him again. This is the grasping.

Alternatively, I could open my mind and heart and bring positive, loving energy into any social situation I might attend. Not to meet a particular end, but just to have fun, enjoy myself and connect with others. Genuinely. Let go of the clinging and grasping and focus on the moment at hand. What’s there with you rather than what might lie further up the road. This is the letting go. 

In letting go, we choose to engage and experience instead of hoping and wanting. We realize that there is always more in the present than there ever will be in the future because one is real and the other remains in our head. We don’t know what life will serve up to us, what we’ll have to deal with in the next day, much less the rest of our lives. Who knows? Letting that pen fall and focusing on your driving may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Jumping to Conclusions

This past Thursday, I went with one of my friends to a happy hour mixer. She was talking to a guy for a long time and he seemed like a nice guy. I decided to leave a little early, so gathered my things and when I turned around again, she was talking rather intensely to another guy. Strange for two people who just met. I walked over to say my good byes and met the guy. It wasn’t just their conversation that was intense. He was just and intense person. Not in a bad way, but I felt curious at his manner. She seemed to be fine, so I left the party wondering what would come of that.

She told me that he called her at lunch the next day to ask her out. Good deal. We went out again that night to another mixer and guess who shows up as I was getting ready to leave? Again, he struck me as strange, but he seemed nice and she liked him and was happy he was there.  I left, telling her to be good. 

The next day, she gave me a rundown of the night before. We had guy friends at this mixer and after I left, they all hung out. He had a great time talking to the boys and she continued to mingle and have fun. Towards the end of the night, he tells her that he is torn. He just moved to DC and doesn’t know many people. He really likes her friends and he’s afraid that if they get together and things don’t end up working out, he wouldn’t get the chance to hang out with them, again. Huh? Remember, she just met this boy the previous night and had spent a total of maybe three hours with him and he’s already talking about the end of their relationship.

Looking at this extreme situation, it made me think about my own life. I will admit that I get fearful at times when I meet someone I like. I think about all the ways they aren’t perfect for me and how it might not be what I want. They’re not passionate, they’re too passionate, they are too adhesive, they are too aloof, they’re too skinny, they sit on the couch too much, they part their hair on the wrong side, they don’t have any hair. I’m exaggerating to make a point, but these things do run through my mind even as I’m trying to open the door to my heart just wide enough to allow the possibility of feeling to come in. 

I’m not green anymore. I was in a relationship in my twenties that was crazy in every way possible. Since then, I’ve learned from life and I’ve learned how to love smarter. But there are times when that wisdom gets entangled with fear and may shut out possibilities before they run their course. I can honestly say I’ve never regretted not seeing something through only once in my life (and even that I’m pretty sure wouldn’t have worked in the end). In the other cases, I’m pretty sure I walked away with good reason. And fairly unscathed. I do question this last part. Maybe I should throw myself into possibilities a little more with potentially unsuitable people and get a few scrapes and bruises.  Maybe this is a part of life I need to feel to experience. Maybe I’ll be surprised.