I Had a Dream

I had such a vivid dream last night. It was pretty involved, rather vivid and even the usually faceless people had faces. And it was emotional. Through the course of the dream, I was unsure, shy, flattered, intrigued and flirtatious. Though I was loath to admit it, even in my dream, I fell in love. Then I was betrayed and heartbroken. And a thought “it always was meant to end.” I woke up with such a heavy heart this morning and wondering if this is something I believe about love. That it was always meant to end.

I’m not a negative or a pessimistic person, but I suppose I do have an embarrassing superstitious leaning. I am fearful that the good will end. I sometimes find myself nitpicking something I enjoy apart just so I can be less crestfallen when it fails or disappoints me. I’m not proud of it, but I’m aware of it and it is something I’m working on. But in my dream, none of the hesitancy or critical nature I sometimes display in life was present. Just an open, young heart and then a crushed one. It was as if my subconscious was trying to warn me that if I go on trying to live without fear, I’ll get hurt.

But then I think of all of the other emotions, before the heart break. I think of the elation, wonder, aliveness of being. A sense of recklessness, fun and play. The heady thrill of falling into the dizzying depths of love. Thank you, Subconscious, but I think it’s worth it.