Prop Master

I usually walk into my yoga classes about a minute before they are about to start, after most of the students have already settled in. They lie on their mats, with their blocks, blankets and straps arranged neatly next to them. I find a place to squeeze into and roll out my mat. And sit on it. Our teachers tend to stroll in late, so it’s not that I don’t have time to get props out of the cabinets. I just never do. “I rarely need them,” I think, “so I’ll just make do.” And if the teacher calls for props and I absolutely, positively require one, well then I’ll give in and get one. Otherwise, it’s just one more thing to put back at the end of class. This usually is an ok operating procedure until I’m pissed off in Pigeon and don’t know what to do with myself.

I tend to be a giver in most of my relationships. Friends call me when they have problems, I help them out when they need it, and I like to do little things to let them know I care. I’m a caretaker, but this is comfortable to me. Until it isn’t. Right now, it isn’t. I had four friends who needed a lot of support this past summer. They were going through issues that weren’t of their own devising and the least I could do was be there for them. I really empathized with what they were going through and it felt good to help. Now, thank goodness, they are all on the mend. But in recent weeks, I’ve been avoiding them. I don’t want to hear about another problem. I don’t want to give any more advice on what they should or shouldn’t do. I don’t want to pick them up from the metro station and give them rides. I don’t even want to hear about how much better they are doing. I’m pissed off and I don’t know what to do with myself. 

I feel bad for feeling so uncharitable and I know I got myself here. I’m feeling somewhat resentful and taken advantage of, even though rationally, I know rationally I haven’t been. I forgot to take care of myself. I forgot to maintain healthy boundaries. I forgot to account for my own needs and see that they be met. I put myself in a position without props. I allowed them to pull at me, just as gravity does in yoga, thinking I could handle it. And I could. But just because I can technically handle something without it breaking me, doesn’t mean it I should do it. Sometimes, the best thing not only for my immediate well-being, but for my long-term strength and practice, is to bolster myself. To rest or accept external assistance. To realize that even Wonder Woman needs her gadgets to help her fight crime.

Right now, I’m taking the time to focus on me for a bit and spending time with other friends. I’m also trying to not pull back from those friends who were leaning heavily this past summer, but to experiment with leaning on them to help me through.