Friday Alone

It’s Friday night and I have no plans. For the first night in over a week, I don’t have a thing to do.

I’m sure I could have made plans, but I have a busy weekend and thought it might be nice to have a night to myself. Even so, I was doubting my decision, earlier today. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself sitting sad and lonely on my couch. Sometimes, in my imagination I was rocking back and forth, sometimes I was staring blankly ahead at the wall. In all circumstances, my brow was furrowed, my shoulders slumped, mouth downturned and the word “pathetic” practically tattooed on my forehead.

I should say here that this is absolutely NOT what I think of anyone who stays home on a Friday night (I actually think it’s a completely normal and comfortable thing to do). It IS what I thought I’d feel like. And while I’ve never spent a Friday night staring at the wall, I have spent many feeling rather lonely and small. And I assumed that I’d spend this Friday kicking myself for not making plans even though I was as tired as I am.

Only, this evening I decided upon a different track. Instead of accepting the mental scenario I had set out for myself, I questioned my feeling self -- rather than my thinking self -- to see what came up. It went something like this:

Did you really feel lonely?

Yes, I felt a little lonely.

What’s the lonely feeling about?                             

Well, I felt like others are having fun without me.  They are out there having fun and I’m home alone

Ok, maybe they are.  Can you accept the feeling of being a little lonely, missing your friends and also knowing that it wasn’t the end of the world?

Yeah, I guess it isn’t the end of the world. I think I can accept a bit of loneliness.

So what is left now that you’ve accepted the loneliness?

Hm…I guess I feel a sort of sleepy and tired.

Well, it’s a good thing you stayed in tonight, huh? Sounds like you could use the rest.

Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.

So what else is there aside from that?

Huh. I feel a bit…I don’t know…liberated. Like I’m free to do anything or nothing at all.

What’s that like?

                Pretty good, actually!

There you go. *smug smile*

Often times in my quest to control the future, my mind plots out how things will be. As if it is a certain truth. Then, I got blindly along, fulfilling the prophecy. But we are ever changing creatures. And even if the situation is exactly the same as ones we’ve been in before, there is no certainty that we will be and feel the same in that situation if we are present with ourselves. The truth is, I’m glad I stayed in. And once I gave myself permission to be lonely, I realized everything else was ok. Happy Friday.