Mantra

We are not our thoughts

We are not our emotions

Let us live in and from our true, loving and succulent essence

It's Not Easy Being Green

There were always a lot of children in my house, when I was young. I only have one brother, but we have a large extended family who were always coming to visit, kids in tow. My mother, being one for babies, would dote on any new child under our roof. This didn’t make me happy. I don’t know what made me feel insecure, but I was jealous and I would show it. My mother, being helpful like mothers often are, would get mad at me and tell me I shouldn’t be jealous. We had this exchange over and over again until I had it drilled in my brain that I shouldn’t be jealous and jealousy was a bad, bad thing. This didn’t help me be less jealous, just more secretive and guilty about it. Thanks mom.

As an adult, I’ve grown past feeling neglected when my mother pays attention to other children. And I really don’t have it in my romantic relationships, at all. Where I experience the little green monster most is in my friendships. I genuinely want my friends to be happy, but I also get anxious and jealous when I think they’re getting more than me. Job, relationship, community. I don’t like this about myself and have fought it all my life (after all, jealousy is bad), but it’s the truth. Once I accepted this, I realized something else. Jealousy points out very clearly what you value. I want a relationship. When someone else gets it, my jealousy shows me that this is something I crave. Although I know better, I also feel that their attainment means there is less of a chance for me. 

It also showed me something else. I’m scared that if my friends get any of these things, it will take them away from me. We’ll have less to talk about, relate over and they’ll be so happy, they’ll forget me and I’ll be left behind. This is the real fear for me. And it’s not without its merits. Friends get into relationships and their priorities and focus shift. They find a new group of friends and they might spend more time with them. This is just common to human nature. I’ve done it, as well. It doesn’t mean they love me any less, but it does mean that our interactions may change and that hurts. Nevertheless, it fills me with an acute anxiety to get whatever it is that they have that I don’t. 

I have been working with this and have some new insights that I’ll share in another post.

Let's Connect

Late this past week, I was in a nobody-loves-me state of mind. I had a lot of social goings on during the week, but still felt neglected. This all culminated into a deep funk on Friday. A boy I had a date with earlier in the week hadn’t contacted me, a friend had impulsively invited me to a group dinner then realized she had spoken too soon, I tried to get to a happy hour I was invited to and was thwarted by massive traffic, and a couple of my close friends were out of town. I was blue. I knew I was loved and had great friends, but it didn’t feel that way. As often happens, my mind went down the rabbit path to getting older, being single and growing more and more alone until I was completely forgotten. The end.

Saturday morning, I went to yoga. I was a little sulky, but knew it would make me feel better. Sure enough, as I moved through my asanas, a forgotten lesson resurfaced. 

It wasn’t what I was getting, but what I was giving. Over the past week, I had been physically going out with people and spending time. I was expending energy on this, but I wasn’t feeling anything back. It was like eating candy. I was getting the sugar, but not the nutrition needed to sustain me. Not because it wasn’t there, but because I wasn’t investing. I wasn’t truly connecting. I was there in body and mind, but I left my heart at home. And because it was at home, it wasn’t getting fed. So by Friday, it was starving.

After yoga, I spent some time talking with a couple of wonderful women who practice with me and I could feel my energy shift. We didn’t talk of anything profound, but it was healing. I could feel their nourishment because I was giving to them from a deeper place. I was present with them. Saturday night, I went to a party. This can be a little stressful for me. I appear to be very social and extroverted, but I can get rather overwhelmed and be self-critical. But, I had a wonderful time. When I felt myself wander, I was mindful to bring myself back to being there and connecting. 

I’ve noticed that when my mindset changes, so do my circumstances. My friends told me they missed me, the boy called and I’ve been collecting hugs. Even had this not been the case, my heart is content.

Elusive Carrot

I lose a lot of things between the seat and the middle console in my car. I’ll drop a pen and see it stuck there, just out of reach. When I cram my fingers into the gap, they will just graze the object…not enough to actually grasp it. Invariably enough, when I stick my hand down further, I just end up pushing it down further and it eludes me completely. Maddening. 

 

I’ve noticed this tendency in other, more significant, areas in life, as well. Couples having issues conceiving often can’t think of anything but. They see pregnant women or babies and get sad. They pressure themselves and consider various options to get their desired outcome. Yet it remains unattainable. Many of these couples will adopt a child and many of them will suddenly then get pregnant once their desperation has ebbed. Similar incidences have happened with careers, house hunting, relationships and even weight loss.

It’s the energy we bring to situations and life that makes a difference. I could assess every social situation relative on my likelihood to meet a guy. The greater the chance, the more I’d consider attending. The energy I’m bringing is that of desperation to meet The One and, more likely than not, I’ll be disappointed at the end of the night if I didn’t meet someone with whom there was a connection. And if I did meet someone, there is immense pressure to hear from him again. This is the grasping.

Alternatively, I could open my mind and heart and bring positive, loving energy into any social situation I might attend. Not to meet a particular end, but just to have fun, enjoy myself and connect with others. Genuinely. Let go of the clinging and grasping and focus on the moment at hand. What’s there with you rather than what might lie further up the road. This is the letting go. 

In letting go, we choose to engage and experience instead of hoping and wanting. We realize that there is always more in the present than there ever will be in the future because one is real and the other remains in our head. We don’t know what life will serve up to us, what we’ll have to deal with in the next day, much less the rest of our lives. Who knows? Letting that pen fall and focusing on your driving may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Jumping to Conclusions

This past Thursday, I went with one of my friends to a happy hour mixer. She was talking to a guy for a long time and he seemed like a nice guy. I decided to leave a little early, so gathered my things and when I turned around again, she was talking rather intensely to another guy. Strange for two people who just met. I walked over to say my good byes and met the guy. It wasn’t just their conversation that was intense. He was just and intense person. Not in a bad way, but I felt curious at his manner. She seemed to be fine, so I left the party wondering what would come of that.

She told me that he called her at lunch the next day to ask her out. Good deal. We went out again that night to another mixer and guess who shows up as I was getting ready to leave? Again, he struck me as strange, but he seemed nice and she liked him and was happy he was there.  I left, telling her to be good. 

The next day, she gave me a rundown of the night before. We had guy friends at this mixer and after I left, they all hung out. He had a great time talking to the boys and she continued to mingle and have fun. Towards the end of the night, he tells her that he is torn. He just moved to DC and doesn’t know many people. He really likes her friends and he’s afraid that if they get together and things don’t end up working out, he wouldn’t get the chance to hang out with them, again. Huh? Remember, she just met this boy the previous night and had spent a total of maybe three hours with him and he’s already talking about the end of their relationship.

Looking at this extreme situation, it made me think about my own life. I will admit that I get fearful at times when I meet someone I like. I think about all the ways they aren’t perfect for me and how it might not be what I want. They’re not passionate, they’re too passionate, they are too adhesive, they are too aloof, they’re too skinny, they sit on the couch too much, they part their hair on the wrong side, they don’t have any hair. I’m exaggerating to make a point, but these things do run through my mind even as I’m trying to open the door to my heart just wide enough to allow the possibility of feeling to come in. 

I’m not green anymore. I was in a relationship in my twenties that was crazy in every way possible. Since then, I’ve learned from life and I’ve learned how to love smarter. But there are times when that wisdom gets entangled with fear and may shut out possibilities before they run their course. I can honestly say I’ve never regretted not seeing something through only once in my life (and even that I’m pretty sure wouldn’t have worked in the end). In the other cases, I’m pretty sure I walked away with good reason. And fairly unscathed. I do question this last part. Maybe I should throw myself into possibilities a little more with potentially unsuitable people and get a few scrapes and bruises.  Maybe this is a part of life I need to feel to experience. Maybe I’ll be surprised.