Just Do It

I tend to overthink and agonize over every decision before acting.  

It may be a trip to Italy: Do I really need this vacation? What if I forget to pack something I really need? What am I going to read on the plane? What if I have a horrible time and spend it missing home?

It may be a trip grocery store (Do I really need to go or can I get by? Should I go now or wait until later? Do I really need everything on this list? Is there something I’m forgetting? Which store should I go to? What if I have a horrible time and spend it missing home?

But usually, it surrounds work, a social commitment, or a class. I waste minutes, hours, days thinking about whether or not to do something I need or even want to do. I have spells of acute anxiety that drain my energy. I can’t count the times I’ve talked myself out of going to something I know I would enjoy, much less times I’ve done so for something I’ve dreaded. It’s like all the details leading up to the event weigh me down that it seems far easier to just opt out. And when I do, I experience relief, but also guilt. I can’t win.

This has always been a challenge for me and I’ve had varied measures of success in dealing with it. This summer, I did pretty well. Last month, not as well. But recently, I’ve taken a new bent. Instead of arguing with myself, I’ve been making note of what happens when I do go. Funny thing. I almost always am glad I did. I’ve also been easier on myself as to what’s expected of me. I don’t have to be at my best. I just need to show up. 

When we show up, we give life a chance to happen. We allow matters to be as they are and surrender our inner monologue to the present experience, regardless what that may be. We are willing to let go of expectations and judgment for awareness and curiosity. We may be surprised or validated. We may be disappointed or delighted. We may come out battered and bruised or elated. It doesn’t matter. We give ourselves over to whatever awaits us and by doing so we not only deepen our trust in own selves but we truly live. We follow through.  

Sometimes, we need to gracefully bow out when that would be the best thing for us. But if I find myself wobbling on that fence, I tell myself to go and see what happens. Why not?