It's Not Easy Being Green

There were always a lot of children in my house, when I was young. I only have one brother, but we have a large extended family who were always coming to visit, kids in tow. My mother, being one for babies, would dote on any new child under our roof. This didn’t make me happy. I don’t know what made me feel insecure, but I was jealous and I would show it. My mother, being helpful like mothers often are, would get mad at me and tell me I shouldn’t be jealous. We had this exchange over and over again until I had it drilled in my brain that I shouldn’t be jealous and jealousy was a bad, bad thing. This didn’t help me be less jealous, just more secretive and guilty about it. Thanks mom.

As an adult, I’ve grown past feeling neglected when my mother pays attention to other children. And I really don’t have it in my romantic relationships, at all. Where I experience the little green monster most is in my friendships. I genuinely want my friends to be happy, but I also get anxious and jealous when I think they’re getting more than me. Job, relationship, community. I don’t like this about myself and have fought it all my life (after all, jealousy is bad), but it’s the truth. Once I accepted this, I realized something else. Jealousy points out very clearly what you value. I want a relationship. When someone else gets it, my jealousy shows me that this is something I crave. Although I know better, I also feel that their attainment means there is less of a chance for me. 

It also showed me something else. I’m scared that if my friends get any of these things, it will take them away from me. We’ll have less to talk about, relate over and they’ll be so happy, they’ll forget me and I’ll be left behind. This is the real fear for me. And it’s not without its merits. Friends get into relationships and their priorities and focus shift. They find a new group of friends and they might spend more time with them. This is just common to human nature. I’ve done it, as well. It doesn’t mean they love me any less, but it does mean that our interactions may change and that hurts. Nevertheless, it fills me with an acute anxiety to get whatever it is that they have that I don’t. 

I have been working with this and have some new insights that I’ll share in another post.