Stress Ball

There are days when, for no apparent reason, I start to worry about seemingly everything. Were I more observant of my thoughts, perhaps I would be able to identify the initial impetus for the snowball, but most times I catch on half way down the hill. What I have gotten better about is what to do when I do catch on.

In the past…ok, and sometimes nowadays…I used to allow the worries to accumulate until I became I huge ball of stress, unable to sleep and certain my life sucked and the world would surely end. Somehow this last conclusion would come to me as I lay abed, in the dark and completely awake. Not fun. However, invariably enough with the sun came a softening and a better understanding and I’d be able to act in some productive fashion to make my life a smidge more bearable. A whole lot of unneeded emotional turmoil. Not fun.

My worries can mostly be related back to not being in control. Of my love life, of my career, of my health, of my family and friends, of the world. Seeing as 90 percent of life is not within our control, it’s easy to imagine how big this ball of stress and anxiety can get given time and inattention. The immediate thought is to problem solve. I need to make this better. How can I do that? What resources do I need? Is it possible? Good questions, but all ways of grasping at control. And in the middle of the night, it may provide comfort to think I might be able to wrangle it in, but isn’t exactly healthy to stew over…or lose sleep over. 

So what I’ve been working on is surrendering. Whenever I catch myself anywhere along the stress train is to take a page out of AA’s Twelve Steps and just surrender my will to a higher power. Accept that this is the way it is right now and lean on the universe to show me a path. Acceptance isn’t saying that I like the way things are or I shouldn’t take action to make life better. It just means I acknowledge and internalize that I am where I am. That I may not be able to change on my own timeline and I am open to what comes. I’m open to life’s challenges, good and bad. And that I will be there for myself, no matter what. Apart from that, this type of acceptance lifts the weight from my shoulders and has a juicy quality to it. Like floating on water. Weightless and buoyant. So much better than the grasping and struggling.

It's Not Easy Being Green

There were always a lot of children in my house, when I was young. I only have one brother, but we have a large extended family who were always coming to visit, kids in tow. My mother, being one for babies, would dote on any new child under our roof. This didn’t make me happy. I don’t know what made me feel insecure, but I was jealous and I would show it. My mother, being helpful like mothers often are, would get mad at me and tell me I shouldn’t be jealous. We had this exchange over and over again until I had it drilled in my brain that I shouldn’t be jealous and jealousy was a bad, bad thing. This didn’t help me be less jealous, just more secretive and guilty about it. Thanks mom.

As an adult, I’ve grown past feeling neglected when my mother pays attention to other children. And I really don’t have it in my romantic relationships, at all. Where I experience the little green monster most is in my friendships. I genuinely want my friends to be happy, but I also get anxious and jealous when I think they’re getting more than me. Job, relationship, community. I don’t like this about myself and have fought it all my life (after all, jealousy is bad), but it’s the truth. Once I accepted this, I realized something else. Jealousy points out very clearly what you value. I want a relationship. When someone else gets it, my jealousy shows me that this is something I crave. Although I know better, I also feel that their attainment means there is less of a chance for me. 

It also showed me something else. I’m scared that if my friends get any of these things, it will take them away from me. We’ll have less to talk about, relate over and they’ll be so happy, they’ll forget me and I’ll be left behind. This is the real fear for me. And it’s not without its merits. Friends get into relationships and their priorities and focus shift. They find a new group of friends and they might spend more time with them. This is just common to human nature. I’ve done it, as well. It doesn’t mean they love me any less, but it does mean that our interactions may change and that hurts. Nevertheless, it fills me with an acute anxiety to get whatever it is that they have that I don’t. 

I have been working with this and have some new insights that I’ll share in another post.