Reasons to Cleanse

One of the girls I’m doing this cleanse with is having a hard time. Even before we started, Emily told us she was nervous and for us not to fear, because she would be the first one to break it. The first day she left her breakfast on the burner too long and it overflowed. She ran to the fridge to pop a diet coke but decided on drinking the recommended tea, instead. When Emily wrote to tell us about this, she said she was feeling emotional. The next day she reported that she wasn’t able to get the lentils and rice that we’re to basing our diets on, but has been eating more vegetables, at least. She felt a little better the next day and commented that she still hadn’t gotten the grains prescribed. But she found that though she regularly snacked on apples, she was enjoying them more this week. 

In a critic’s eye, Emily wouldn’t really be following “the program.” I empathize greatly with her emotional turmoil over the past few days. I used to, and admittedly still can, be really hard on myself when it came to doing things “right.” Couple this with a side of me that hates rules and you get chaos. I’d find myself trying out a dance class, finding myself lacking and rather than having the discipline to practice, I’d just quit. I couldn’t do it right and I was too much of a slacker to put any non-time class into learning, so why bother? Or I would do a complete half-hearted job and lose interest. This carried over into every facet of my life. I would be so fixated on the standards – meeting them, feeling restricted by them, breaking them, criticizing myself by them – that I lost the point of the class in the first place. 

In truth, I’m not doing this cleanse to compete with the other girls or just tag along with what they’re doing. I’m not doing it to achieve any sort of perfection or test my willpower. All of these run through my mind from time to time, but I bring it back to the essential. I’m doing this cleanse is to break a rut and be more mindful of what I’m putting into my body and take note of my body’s response. To be with myself with compassion and acceptance. To treat myself with love and to learn about myself. To me, Emily is succeeding just fine.

I’m not doing this cleanse exactly as prescribed, either. But I’ve found myself appreciating the goodness of what I’m putting into my body and my body’s response. Putting more time into my food preparation can be a little inconvenient, but experimenting with taste and flavor has been a delight. I haven’t lost any weight, but I feel lighter. Most importantly, I feel more in my body more of the time. So far, so good.

Cleanse

I’m doing a cleanse for the first time in my life. I eat fairly healthy as it is, but a few teachers at my yoga studio were doing this and I impulsively said I was in. It’s not too restrictive, just very natural. Even so, this is rather unusual for me as I don’t really believe in the need for cleanses or detoxes and I hate following rules of any kind, except my own. Especially about food.

So why do this at all? For the same reason I moved two miles from my last apartment, started wearing gold jewelry, took a writing class, started eating at my breakfast nook instead of my couch, tried a new yoga teacher and a new studio, bought leg warmers, and went to a social mixer on a school night. We all have big events or changes in our life. But between those times, we can get in ruts. We get comfortable with the same old thing. We have a tendency to roll into the groove at the center of the bed. 

My groove means spending more time alone, eating the same food, working from home, wearing my comfy pants and sweatshirt and my glasses all day, sticking to the elliptical at the gym and my bi-weekly yoga class. Such is my tendency towards it that the same old thing can make life seem a little small when it goes on for too long. It’s not that I enjoy it as much as there is great comfort in it. Drastic changes are almost easier to manage than the small shifts that can expand our daily routine. They are often overlooked as a “why bother”? Yet often, these small changes can lead into larger ones. Or just change the energy around you. So, I try to make changes, however small, whenever I feel like I’ve been in the same place a little too long.  There may be negative thinking beforehand, they are almost always for the best.

And so, I’m on this cleanse. I’ve already modified what I’ve been prescribed (again with being told what to do), but within the “rules” but it’s the break in routine and putting goodness into my body that I’m focusing on.  

Just Do It

I tend to overthink and agonize over every decision before acting.  

It may be a trip to Italy: Do I really need this vacation? What if I forget to pack something I really need? What am I going to read on the plane? What if I have a horrible time and spend it missing home?

It may be a trip grocery store (Do I really need to go or can I get by? Should I go now or wait until later? Do I really need everything on this list? Is there something I’m forgetting? Which store should I go to? What if I have a horrible time and spend it missing home?

But usually, it surrounds work, a social commitment, or a class. I waste minutes, hours, days thinking about whether or not to do something I need or even want to do. I have spells of acute anxiety that drain my energy. I can’t count the times I’ve talked myself out of going to something I know I would enjoy, much less times I’ve done so for something I’ve dreaded. It’s like all the details leading up to the event weigh me down that it seems far easier to just opt out. And when I do, I experience relief, but also guilt. I can’t win.

This has always been a challenge for me and I’ve had varied measures of success in dealing with it. This summer, I did pretty well. Last month, not as well. But recently, I’ve taken a new bent. Instead of arguing with myself, I’ve been making note of what happens when I do go. Funny thing. I almost always am glad I did. I’ve also been easier on myself as to what’s expected of me. I don’t have to be at my best. I just need to show up. 

When we show up, we give life a chance to happen. We allow matters to be as they are and surrender our inner monologue to the present experience, regardless what that may be. We are willing to let go of expectations and judgment for awareness and curiosity. We may be surprised or validated. We may be disappointed or delighted. We may come out battered and bruised or elated. It doesn’t matter. We give ourselves over to whatever awaits us and by doing so we not only deepen our trust in own selves but we truly live. We follow through.  

Sometimes, we need to gracefully bow out when that would be the best thing for us. But if I find myself wobbling on that fence, I tell myself to go and see what happens. Why not?

Songs about Rainbows

I went to see new Muppets movie on Saturday.

I got into The Muppets in college. It was my freshman year and I was pretty stressed and overwhelmed with the whole experience. Much to my annoyance, my roommate decided to play the original movie while I was studying one day. I was pretty passive aggressive in those days, so while the intro credits rolled, I did a lot of sighing and rolling of eyes, but I didn’t say a word. As the movie progressed, I continued not to say a word, but the reasons were different. I was entranced and delighted. I didn’t get much studying done that night, but I did watch all three of the movies she had. Over the next year, I must have watched each of those movies at least once every two weeks. Better than comfort food. 

Years passed and though I remembered them fondly, The Muppets passed from my general awareness. Until this past year when announcements around the movie came out and the acclaimed reviews. It wasn’t just a Muppets movie, it was a GOOD Muppets movie. Excitement. I couldn’t wait to see it.

This movie was made for just such a Muppet fan as me. One who remembered them from a younger age but who perhaps had forgotten her sheer love for the furry creatures, the songs, the jokes, and the delight. It was also the perfect timing. There seems to have been a cloud hanging over my friends and relations and myself this past month. So many people I know had a hard November. But it wasn’t just us or just November. It hasn’t been easy for a lot of the world. There’s a reason why I stay away from the news, these days, preferring to nibble at its edges just to stay informed rather than delving deep into the details. What better time for a movie with such sumptuous nostalgia and genuine heart than The Muppets?

No, it didn’t change my life. But, I left the theater feeling like a kid again. I believed in life a little more. In people a little more. In goodness, that much more.  The Muppets left us with songs and our heads, laughter in our hearts and broad grins on our faces. Priceless to The Lovers, The Dreamers and Me.

Yoga Girl

How we experience the world is so colored by what goes on in our head. This often obscures what’s truly there.

There is this girl in my yoga class. She is simply amazing. She’s strong, flexible and moves with cat-like grace. She takes yoga seriously and is dedicated. Looking at her, I feel my own practice is rather inadequate. Yes, yes, I know that yoga is all about my own journey and comparison isn’t something that should be brought to the mat. But I’m human. And while I do a good job of keeping my mind on my own practice, this girl still makes me feel like the awkward kid in middle school. 

Ever since I noticed her, I’ve tried to avoid her. Taking place in the room where she wouldn’t distract me with her dancer-like grace. But Saturday morning yoga tends to get crowded quickly and as often happens with that which we try to avoid, I found myself inevitably either next to her or behind her. Either way, unavoidable. I’d do an inward groan and think “of course” before spending the next 90 minutes attempting to do my asanas with my eyes closed. Once or twice when she’d do something incredible, I found myself trying to alter what I was doing to match hers. Then get annoyed at myself for trying to compete…and for failing to get my leg wrapped around my neck. Surely she was sneering at me from her lofty contortionist height. “Silly, foolish, girl.”

This past Saturday was no different. The Nimble One was almost directly in front of me. I was' about to do the sigh-resign thing again, when I caught myself. I was viewing her as a negative in my life when she didn’t have to be. I admired this woman. She made yoga into such an art-form, I could watch her all day. Yes, I had been watching her and trying to emulate her, but why was this a bad thing? I was more aware of form and alternate options just by her proximity. I pushed myself a little harder, tried to be a little more fluid. If I could drop the self-judging, I could take delight in this influence as I had learned a lot from her. How was this a bad thing? It wasn’t. 

The class went more smoothly than any had in the past month. Maybe there was a different energy in the room that day, but as I was rolling up my mat, I saw my unwitting mentor do something I never had seen her do before. Smile. Ah, yoga girl was human after all.