Consideration

It struck me today that I probably need to recommit myself to this year’s theme of living with an open heart. Not that I’ve been closed, but I have noticed myself returning to the status quo more or less. I think a lot of it has to do with a series of small disappointments, lately. Nothing tragic, but just enough to deter me from pushing my way ahead with confidence. Instead, I’ve been licking my wounds a little, protecting my heart a little and considering. This last part, the considering, is something for me to watch.

 An ex-boyfriend once told me that while he acts without thinking, I think without acting. And it’s very true. I’ve gotten better, but it’s in my nature to sit and ponder and dream and opt out of reality. I can have whole conversations in my head and live out relationships to their bitter end, all without leaving my couch. Today I convinced myself it was too much drama to head into the city to attend a book club (I’d have to take the metro, it might rain, should I drive, where would I park, what time would I get home, who would be there, would it be worth it, was I too tired….) and stuck around the area doing errands. Not a bad thing, but not exactly living with an open heart.

So as I find myself in the latter half of March, I’ve decided that I need to shake things up a bit. I will ask myself in all decisions if I’m acting out of fear or out of love. And if the former, am I willing to give up comfort and take a chance. Think less, act more.

Mind Interrupted

I’m an overthinker. I can talk myself into or out of (more the latter) virtually anything. I will be on a way to an event and have second thoughts about going. I’ll be on a date and have a continuous internal debate on how, when and where it will end up. I’ve been known to sign up for a class on an impulse only to figure out a dozen reasons why I don’t want to or can’t go. I can talk myself into feeling too tired, too sad, too sore, or too bored. I’m not sure why, but it’s epidemic throughout my life. 

This week, there have been a few instances that have stood out to me in their dissonance with my usual routine. Times where I just went for it. In dance class, our instructor showed us a rather complicated move. Usually, I would wait for a few girls to go ahead of me before attempting it myself. This time, I went first. Before my mind had time to tell me I couldn’t or analyze each move. And I surprised myself. Next move, I tried the same thing and surprised myself again. In the following days, I attended a poetry reading downtown on the fringes of my normal weekday bedtime, jumped into cold water without a backwards glance and took child’s pose in yoga because I needed a break. Instead of agonizing, I just did.

Our minds have a way of making even the simplest of tasks more difficult. They mean well. They try to keep us safe. And because they do a pretty good job, we tend listen. The more attentively we listen, the drunker they get off their power. They tell us we can’t when our hearts know we can. They fool us into thinking we are smaller than we are. Something inside us cries out when we know they’re wrong and they waste vast amounts of energy to quell us. We end up feeling conflicted and drained. 

I know my brain is smart, but I believe my heart is wise. If I’m going to live this year with an open heart, I’m going to do more. Before my mind has time to interrupt.