Mind, Body and Food

Nutrition has always been one of my passion. I have a degree in Dietetics and though what I do for a living does not involve it, I’ve continued to study it over the years. Trends come and go but my outlook has always been a holistic one – if we listen to our bodies, they will guide us. Though I always believed this, even when it wasn’t popular to do so, I had to learn and re-learn it for myself.

My mom and various female relatives were always on diets while I was growing up. I had been a skinny kid, but when I hit puberty, I started to gain a little weight. Like a rite of passage, I started dieting. I lost weight. Suddenly, this was something I could control. It became an obsession and I spent many years with my own food and body image wars. I counseled moderation to all because I knew this was right, but I was never a moderate person, myself. I had trauma and pain inside and had no way to express it but with food. It became a solace, an enemy and a symbol. It also became a tunnel I had to go through to come into a new understanding of who I was and what I believed in. In some ways, it continues to be but I do have a new sense of peace and of coming home. 

I have a new reverence and respect for this body of mine. I’ve discovered that I’m not the exception to the rule. It too is wise. My throat constricts, my shoulders rise, my jaw clenches even before I know I’m anxious. When there is a hollowing in my chest and an ache behind my eyes I realize something must have made me sad. My stomach is the loudest to speak. I’ve fought battles with it over the years, but truth be told, it is perhaps the wisest of all. 

So, I’ve learned to listen very carefully to what my body is telling me. Especially, when it comes to hunger. My mouth may want brownies, but this usually is a passing fancy. True craving comes from deeper in my torso and more often than not is for something nutrient dense. I try my best to honor it with what it needs to run effectively and not to stress it too much with food it cannot handle. And I continue to refine my understanding with as much gentleness as I can. I gave up diet coke and artificial sweetener last year. I never thought I would, but I knew I didn’t need it and the timing was right. And while I keep a mind to what my body needs, I’m compassionate enough to recognize that sometimes a bite (or two) of chocolate is just the thing. So I savor that bite for all it’s worth. If I’m going to indulge, I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

My nutrition counseling now comes not only from a philosophical belief in what was right, but from the ingrained understanding of true experience. And as my experience continues, I continue to learn. And I continue to evolve.

Weight for It

Earlier this year, I decided not to weigh myself on a regular basis. Like many people, I’d look at that number and it would somehow color my day, regardless if it was a single digit difference. I really don’t believe in allowing a number to inversely quantify my sense of self worth, but here I was engaging in a practice that did just that. It didn’t make sense. So away went the scale.

For many years, my mind led the charge. Telling me what to feel, what not to feel, whether what I felt made sense and if it didn’t, to stop feeling it. In a like manner I dictated to my body when it should be hungry, when it should be full, if it should move or if it should rest. It was more or less a one way conversation until my body would do something drastic to get my attention. And it would get my attention for a short time. Enough attention to be disappointed and frustrated at it.

This wasn’t working for me, so I decided to try a radical approach over the course of the past several months. I listened to my body. It was shy at first, but when it realized it had a voice that would be heard, it would speak up in no uncertain terms. I did my best to honor it. From time to time my mind would reinstate its power and I would have to gently remind it that this wasn’t the way we did things anymore. Sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn’t, but it was certainly more successful than it had been in the past.

My body rewarded me. I felt better and had more energy. Yoga helped me to honor by body and I was witness to it responding in kind. I was also aware of it changing and growing stronger with more yoga classes. This was something I very rarely saw in myself. Maybe because I would get discouraged and quit an activity before I could measure progress, or maybe because I never paid much attention before. Probably both. There were other improvements. One of the ways my body used to cry out in distress was through my stomach. But now, it was quieter, happier. I focused on loving my body. It was hard at first but with practice and kindness, it grew easier. I liked how my clothes were fitting and how I looked in those clothes.

Yesterday morning, I thought of my scale. Why not? I thought. I wanted to see how much I had lost. I pulled it out and with a little excitement stepped on. I weighed exactly the same. Maybe even a pound more. Suddenly, my spirits dampened and I felt heavy and frumpy. How could this be, my mind thought. But then I caught myself. What was I doing? What did it matter how much I weighed? How did I feel. I checked in. I actually felt pretty good. I looked in the mirror. My eyes shined back at me and I smiled. This was me, just as I was the day before. But so much different than I was at the start of the year, regardless of what this machine said.
I don’t own a scale anymore.