Fear Drag

I’ve been engaging in not the healthiest behaviors lately and, as is my wont, have been disappointed and disapproving of myself. Which only gets me to feeling rather defeated and defeated, I engage again in said behaviors.  And so, the cycle continues. Through past insight, I recognize this cycle as a way of distracting myself from some emotion I don’t want to face. This time, however, it’s a bit different. I realized I’m trying to keep myself safe. 

 

Around December of last year, I moved into this idea of leading with an open heart. I also decided to take more personal risks for the opportunity for growth. This has meant stepping away from fear and leading with love, instead. Great stuff. But my fearful heart learned to be fearful at a young age and did a good job of protecting me when I needed it. Since I haven’t been heeding it as I’ve done in the past, it has only grown more fearful and has resorted to deviant tactics to keep me safe through use of familiar old patterns to keep me safely under the covers where the monsters can’t get me.

The idea behind this is simple. The more I’m consumed by these behaviors and the shame and guilt associated with them, the less time and energy I have in treading into unfamiliar waters. If I hurt myself, I’ll be less likely to get hurt by others. 

I wish I could just live out of my heart and let go of my fear, but I’m afraid that’s what got me into this cycle in the first place. Instead I must acknowledge it (consider it acknowledged) and honor it. I have to have more compassion for the hurt child that did what she could to keep herself safe. This doesn’t mean allowing fear to rule my actions. It means seeing the intention behind the fear and not only moving forward with love, but moving inward with it, as well. It may slow my pace, but at least I’ll be taking all of with me on the journey.