On My Team

It’s rainy outside and, as always seems to happen in this type of weather, I spent the day feeling out of sorts and blue. I had my first swim class of the fall season this morning and decided not to go. I was a little late to class (good excuse) and I didn’t feel up to getting into the water. The relief in skipping it was negligible to the amount of guilt I heaped upon myself after. I was wasting money. I may be out of town next Tuesday and unable to go. I love the women I swim with so why couldn’t I focus on them? Why couldn’t I just keep a commitment?

Next was work. One of the rationalizations to skipping swimming was getting to work a little earlier than usual. But I couldn’t concentrate. I was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t feel like delving into the big project I needed to tackle. Besides, my head hurt. Of course, I chastised myself for this, as well. For hours. Still, I couldn’t spur myself into a highly productivity mode. The day trickled on.

I had promised my friend that if I didn’t swim, I’d go to yoga with her in the evening. Which I wasn’t crazy about doing. It was an “All Levels” class which usually translated to harder than the Level 1&2 I was used to. Also, the last time this teacher had subbed my usual Saturday morning class, I nearly collapsed with exhaustion. What if everyone was better than me? What if I couldn’t do it? What if it was a horrible experience for me? But this was one thing I would do today. I’d show up.
I set my mat down with trepidation. I do my best not to compare myself to others, but as the intensity increases the harder it gets not to do so. I’m very good at feeling inadequate and I was afraid this would be one of those classes that left me disheartened. Why was I here?

At the beginning of class, my teacher said something that really struck home. Flow with the fear, she said. How many of my choices were made out of fear? A lot. Especially, this day. It clicked. What I feared was abandoning myself. Pushing myself too hard and piling up the judgment and criticism based on how I handled it. So, I decided that I was here to take care of myself. I would take it moment by moment and make choices that served me in each moment. I would just see.

I won’t lie and say I didn’t sneak a peek at the others in my class or wish I was as flexible as the girl at the front, but I did a pretty good job of being there for myself. I made the choices that were right for my body at that minute, and was surprised to see the results. I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, weaker than I had hoped, but I was ok with the difference. And that was a success in itself.

Class ended with another teacher-inspired insight. She said that as a mother she learned that children don’t need to be fixed. They need to be seen, to be heard, to be understood. This applied to our own selves, as well. We jump in and try to make the problem go away, when maybe we don’t need to fight it. Step back and see what’s really there and what we’re trying to escape with all our activity. I had battled myself all day. I hadn’t seen. I hadn’t heard. And I didn’t even try to understand what was going on under the surface. So for this night and tomorrow, that’s the lesson I plan to focus on. To lay down my sword and pay attention.