Awkward

I have a crush on a boy. He doesn’t even know I exist.

No matter how old I get, my thoughts are 16 years old.

However much we change as we age, a part of us is stuck in our teenage years. I’ve met bald, pudgy men who played high school football who still retain that sheen of confidence and self-importance. I’ve met women who were in the popular crowd bring their mean girl attitude to the workplace. And I’ve met smart, funny, sexy successful people who still see themselves as the kid who ate lunch alone.

Unrequited lust was a hallmark of my teenage years. I was boy crazy and had many a crush. Sadly, I also had the firm belief I was undesirable and therefore not an object for consideration. All the other girls were cuter, smarter, funnier, better dressed and way cooler than I could ever hope to be. Why would a guy look at me when he could have one of them? What did I have to offer?

I’ve come a long way from that. I’m more confident and self-assured. For the most part. Sometimes, that teen mind takes hold of a familiar situation and fills my mind with insecure ramblings. In this case, a boy who I’ve seen a few times in passing. He’s a dorky kind of cute and caught my eye. But I didn’t seem to catch his. “I’m sure he has a girlfriend,” I thought. Both to reassure myself and to keep my interest in check.

I forgot about him for a while but recently, I had the opportunity to be in the same room with him for an hour or so. He couldn’t have been more aloof. Ok, it’s not like I went up to him or anything. But still. He didn’t look my way or smile or in any way show that he acknowledged the differentiation between me and the nearby wall. Even so, I took heart when my friend said he looked like he was shy. Yes, I thought. Maybe he’s just shy. Aw.

I found out he’s not shy. He is smart, funny and outgoing amongst his friends. Just the kind of guy I’d like to meet. Except I’m sure he’s too cool for me. His friends include a lot of pretty and sweet and sociable girls. And he’s probably dating one of them. So why would he be interested in me? He doesn’t even know I exist.

So all this was running through my mind yesterday even as I wondered how I could find out when and where I could bump into him again. You know, to drive the knife deeper. And, I’m sad to say it went on for quite a while before I caught myself at it.

It’s nice to know that I’m not her anymore, but that she will always be a part of me.